Please, I Beg You, enact Not Fuck Up My Timeline With 280 Characters Of Bullshit


I’m a simple man. Father. Husband. Designer. Coffee enthusiast. Twitter user. And I beg you: please. enact not ruin Twitter with 280 characters of bullshit. Please. enact not fuck this up.

I just want a thing on my phone I can open up while I’m taking a shit or riding the subway (literally, after I typed the first sentence of this, I went to depart rob a shit in the office bathroom and read some tweets while shitting) and see some amusing jokes or perhaps, possibly a link to a news article. This is what I need Twitter for in my life. Here is the problem with 280 characters:

I don’t want to open Twitter and see a fucking BLOG. I want to scan some idiot bullshit jokes as quickly as possible, not massive blocks of text.

Lots of people say that Twitter is already a cesspool of distress. It’s overrun by Nazis and it can’t accept a handle on harassment,. On top of that, it’s just a continuous agony machine, full of cross news, and populated by pompous blowhards who are deluded by the social media reinforcement feedback loop into thinking that the world wants to hear their opinions approximately every fart that escapes in the atmosphere. Well, factual. But I am willing to accept Twitter for totality this because occasionally you accept this:

I know what you’re thinking: this isn’t me, I will be the one who uses 280 characters for apt. I won’t be the cross one. Well, the problem isn’t just that you’re cross (you are, but that’s another discussion). It’s just that this will clog up the eyeball scan rate for everyone else. Please, enact not enact this. whether you hold something to say that is much longer than 140 characters, you can enact a thread. The thread is considerable because it’s really silly and embarrassing to enact, so it has the built-in limitation of humiliation. Or, are you a celebrity addressing some sort of scandal? That’s what the notes app is for!

Please, I beg you. I hold very microscopic to live for apart from enjoying jokes on my phone. I need this. I need Twitter to not be a nightmare wall of text. Respect my feed. exhaust some restraint. enact not post 280.

Katie Notopoulos is a senior editor for BuzzFeed News and is based in novel York. Notopoulos writes approximately tech and internet culture is cohost of the Internet Explorer podcast.

Contact Katie Notopoulos at katie@buzzfeed.com.

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