39 Tweets That Nail The incompatibility Between Life Before And After Kids
They say having kids changes everything. While the reality may not be so absolute, parents on Twitter possess shown that there is definitely some merit to the statement.
Many comedian moms and dads tweet approximately the incompatibility between their laid back childfree years and the experience of being a parent. We’ve rounded up some of the best examples.
Without further ado, here are 39 hilarious tweets that sum up life before and after kids.
Before kids: Kids will encourage me with everything around the house.
After kids: *scrapes foreign thing off wall with chisel*
— Sara (@sara_ashlynn) December 7, 2016
My goals before kids:
1) win promoted.
2) effect a marathon.
My goals after kids:
1) situation on pants
2) topple asleep without crying
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 29, 2016
Girl’s Night Out before kids: Hair done, high heels, red lipstick, low carve top, perfume.
Girl’s Night Out after kids: Underwire bra, pants.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) December 16, 2016
Thoughts before kids: What’s the meaning of life?
Thoughts after kids: Does the same actress play Daniel Tiger’s mom AND Justin Time’s mom?
— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) February 13, 2016
I’m not going to let kids stop me from doing what I want!
*turns down literally every invitation because, kids*
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 28, 2017
film criteria before kids: Is it pleasant?
film criteria after kids: How long is it? It’s already 9 and I’m really tired.
— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) February 27, 2017
Before kids: “I won’t assume others find my kid cute.”
After kids: *Arranges furniture around play area so everyone can be pleased the cuteness.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) September 29, 2016
Life before kids:
Who would ever need “THIS” in bulk?!
Life as a parent after kids:
How did we ever effect without “THIS” in bulk?!
— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) October 10, 2016
Marriage goals before kids: manufacture care for daily, don’t lift each other for granted, disagree respectfully.
After: Stay up after kids depart to bed.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) December 19, 2016
Xmas before kids: food, unwrap, hugs, see ya!
After kids: open box, twisty ties, open box, twisty ties, open box, twisty ties, open box, tw
— Momzilla111 (@Momzilla111) December 25, 2015
How I knew he was the one: Before Kids: brought me flowers & wine.
Why I still know: After Kids: Brings me coffee in bulk and wine in bulk.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) January 27, 2015
Exciting Groupon offers…
•Bed & breakfasts
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) April 25, 2016
Before kids: Someone else pukes, YOU puke.
After kids: Watching, fascinated, as your boy power-boots across the room. Meatloaf! I knew it!
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) November 20, 2014
Before kids: OMG these painful shoes are SO cute! *buys*
After kids: I’ll lift these ergonomic, reasonably hideous shoes in whole 4 colors.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) March 15, 2017
Before kids: Ashamed to confess you liked that raunchy porn
After kids: Ashamed to confess you really liked that film w/ the talking cat
— stabbatha christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) January 9, 2017
Before kids: silent children seems like a nice goal.
After kids: What’s the medical term for “dismay of silent children” because I possess that.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) July 12, 2016
Before kids: I need those shoes!!
After kids: Did you see that fresh mop that cleans the baseboards!!
— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) July 8, 2015
Google before kids: “icy sex moves”
Google after kids: “LEGO Ninjago: Masters of Spinjitzu: Rebooted: topple of the Golden Master Season 3”
— highlyirritable (@highlyirritable) October 7, 2015
Halloween: Before kids, a remarkable excuse to dress sexy. After kids, a remarkable excuse to wear pajamas to a party.
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) October 27, 2013
Trips before kids:
Let’s spontaneously leave for the weekend in 10 minutes!
It’s going to lift whole weekend just to pack.
— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) December 31, 2016
Before Kids: Long day. Let’s depart out and treat ourselves to a nice dinner.
After Kids: I FOUND A CHCKEN NUGGET IN THE sofa! WANNA SPLIT IT?
— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 30, 2015
Saturdays before kids: (smooth voice) “What should we effect nowadays?”
Saturdays after kids: (panicked voice) “What should we effect nowadays?”
— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) February 8, 2014
Sex before kids: raunchy
Sex after kids: paunchy
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 24, 2017
Before kids, I’d milk an illness so I could stay in bed whole day. After kids, I learned to mask it so they couldn’t sense my weakness.
— One Classy Motha (@MothaKim) July 22, 2014
Before kids: Catch a cold and you’re sick for 3 days.
After kids: Catch a cold and you’re sick for 10 years.
— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) May 13, 2016
Before sons: Secretly judged parents for giving kids Benadryl on flights
After sons: Secretly wish they hadn’t outlawed Children’s Paregoric
— Myrrh (@ixix82) November 19, 2016
Romance before kids: Flowers, wine, candles, foreplay
Romance after kids: When my husband uses air freshener after he destroys our bathroom
— Ramblin’ Mama (@ramblinma) May 17, 2016
Dinner before kids: Chicken, roasted asparagus & homemade bread
Dinner after kids: Cheerios picked up off the floor while cleaning up pee
— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) January 29, 2016
Before kids: My best friends are the ones I hear from the most.
After kids: My best friends are the ones who expect the least of me.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) March 14, 2017
Sex before kids: Everywhere. Anywhere. chafed´.
Sex after kids: In the midst of sneaking, you kick a pile of toys and Olaf screams “HEADS UP!”
— Court (@Discourt) March 23, 2015
Before kids: OMG, extreme, I possess to shower everyday.
After kids: Isn’t showering more than a few times a week rotten for your skin besides?
— Kate corridor (@KateWhineHall) February 24, 2017
Going to the movies alone before kids: Depressing.
Going to the movies alone after kids: Not talk to anyone for 2 hours? lift MY MONEY.
— Ramblin’ Mama (@ramblinma) December 18, 2015
Goals for kids before actually having them: possess infinite patience, never cuss, don’t let them watch TV.
After: win them to situation on shoes.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) March 15, 2017
Before kids: I’d encourage my kids achieve any dream, no questions!
After Kids: Kid says they want to grow up to be a meatball & u need a minute
— Susan McLean (@NoDomesticDiva) September 10, 2016
NY Goals before kids:
Eat better, exercise, spend more time w/friends, be open to opportunities.
withhold them alive 1 more year
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) December 29, 2016
Things I’ve learned since fitting a mom: Before children: “I’d never let my children effect that!” After children: “Just don’t harm yourself..”
— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) February 26, 2014
Before kids: Online shopping–alone and at domestic–is such a luxury.
After kids: Shopping–alone and at an actual store–is such a luxury.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) April 28, 2017
Before kids: Our neighbor is a lunatic she’s constantly screaming at her kids. After Kids: Hi neighbor near on over for coffee I so win you!
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) April 5, 2013